I seriously think I screwed this one up. He lays there lifeless, staring at me with glassy eyes. Tongue slanted to the side hanging off of its blood stained teeth. The parts lay on the table slightly unrecognizable. I make apologetic statements to myself such as: All the bones will come out anyways, no one will be able to tell; or I rushed into this one without a plan and I was too out of practice for instinct to kick in. But, as I look, all that can be seen is a leg here, something that might have been the back or belly possibly. Blood pools slightly from the spot that I sawed off the foot. I just stare at the red drop, thinking this isn't my best work. Hell it is not even in my top fifty performances. I carefully wipe down my knives and the two saws and pack them into my tool bag, finally cleaning the table. With no traces of flesh and blood left to be seen I hide my tool kit and put on my backpack while leaving the building. As I leave I think "Well, at least the head came off clean."
Walking to my car the whole scene replays in my head. Try as I might to forget, it just repeats. I open the door and chuck my backpack on the passenger seat, hook my phone up to the radio, and fire up Pandora. During the drive home I hear The White Stripes, some Black Keys, and The Pack A.D. Traffic is non-existent due to the rain now coming down in a torrent. Most people stay in because of the risk of street flooding, so I just relax light up a cigarette and slightly roll down the window to let out the smoke. As I do the cigarette gets soaked, I chuck it out the window and think "cant one thing go right for me today". The window comes up and I drive the last mile with as much rain in my head as is outside coming down.
Finally home I walk up the stairs and open the door to my apartment. The beer is cold as I grab it from the fridge, I pop the last of the leftover pizza into the oven with a little water to steam it as it warms up. As I sit down on my futon I turn on my TV and light a smoke. Poltergeist starts to scream from the speakers as I smell the salami heating up in the oven. Finally at ease I pull the pizza from the oven and enjoy each slice as a tree eats a kid on TV.
Calm an relaxed I think about the cuts I should have made. The head comes off first, always first, then the feet. That squares everything up making the next two cuts easy. But what's the next one. Hmm. I cant think, so, I draw up a diagram. Actually I draw about twenty, filling the steps in as I go along. The TV seems muted as I madly scribble on paper. I usually go into a Zen state when I break down a fresh slaughter. It is my release, all the stress of the day goes away. I go to a happy place when the whole process starts. A place filled with puppies and kittens, where the last unicorn drinks from a pristine lake as butterflies float and birds chirp away. But, not this time. I just hacked away, trying to destroy the evidence. There was no joy in it at all.
I, of course, know now where I went wrong. My excuses were partly right. I rushed through it, said it didn't matter if the cuts were clean, I was testing something out. Really I started off in the wrong state of mind. I hadn't planned on doing it until wed but, I had the time. If I only had manifested the desire then something good would have transpired, something my body, no heart, needed. And as I said the only thing I felt needed to be done by the end was hide the evidence and act like it never happened.
As I look out the window, at the gleaming moon, a calm takes over me. I hear the voice in my head whisper of harmony. In two weeks I know it will all happen again. But this time everything will go as planned. This time I will cut that pig in all the right parts.